Jen

For the first 30 years of my life I fell into toxic relationships. I had years of soul cringing heartbreak. I never had a good father figure so how was I supposed to know how a man should treat a woman? From movies? I fall for men that are emotionally unavailable, and abusive. I never feel I am good enough for anything good so I overcompensate in many ways's to feel worthy. My last relationship was the worst. He would get angry at the smallest of things and slash me with his very harsh harsh words. I guess you can say it was a very verbally abusive relationship. He was also in love with many other women other than me. I settled for scraps of his time. I loved him - he didn't love me, which had been a reoccurring theme in my relationships. I realized this pretty early on but couldn’t seem to break my pattern. I guess knowing and doing are two different things. The relationship lasted for two of the longest years of my life. Until he decided to walk out on me leaving me sick, alone, depressed, broke, confused, lost and I guess metaphorically dead.

His breaking up with me, at the time it happened, seemed like the worst moment in my life. I felt paralyzed. I gained 18 pounds, couldn’t get out of bed in the morning, lost my job, and had no one to turn to. Most of my friends stopped talking to me when I was with him because they couldn’t stand him or the drama. The loneliness was the hardest part. I was in the darkest, deepest point in my life that I could have ever imagined. I might have never ended the relationship but in retrospect, I guess I’m lucky that he ended it for me.

After 3 months of eating Hagan Dass, Doritos, and McDonalds I couldn’t take it anymore. Where was I letting myself go? I couldn’t look in the mirror when I was with him abusing me much less now with dimples in my butt, not being able to pay my rent, and hearing my mother’s voice without compassion, “I told you so”. I was a waste. I realized that it was either wake up or die – literally.

There was something in me telling me to wake up. I don’t know what it was – but I did. This was the toughest moment. I realized that I had to get back on my feet again but was afraid to figure out how. But I had to. There was no other choice. I started with putting down the junk food and taking a long walk. After some time, the walks became runs, and before long I had a new job, and regained contact with some old friends. It was a day-to-day struggle to reclaim my self worth. It wasn’t easy. But, I found that as time passed, it did get easier.

After slowly rebuilding me, I decided that I was not going to be a "man hater" even though I know that I had every right to. That would just make me unaware of how much control I had over my life and my relationships. While beginning to date again I made the choice not to continue to stay in unhealthy relationships because I was "in love." I began to look at life without a revolving focus around men. I began to wake up every morning knowing that I had the opportunity to do something with my life. It was up to me to be happy with myself. Maybe I could actually influence change even if it was only within myself – beginning with me.